My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
