Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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