when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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