You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
