that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
