this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
