Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
