anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
