yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
