I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
