What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
