the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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