That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
