I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
