Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
