I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
