No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
