You can't special order awesome
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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