your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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