Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
