I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
