dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
