I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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