fuck your aforementioned shoe
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
