The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
