I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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