I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
