the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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