Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
