ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
