i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
