I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
