If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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