i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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