I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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