I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
this beer tastes like vomit already
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
