He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
