Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
