she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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