Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
