Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
