That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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