I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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