So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You should frame my arrest warrant.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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