3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
nut hugger
dude i'm inner monologue high
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
