sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
