Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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