I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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