so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
vagina is talking i cant
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
