just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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